Depression

 Depression confusion

                                  eBay confusion

My depression over losing my wife a year ago is having an effect on my my performance as a seller on eBay. I am losing track of which films I am posting to my customers

How long will it be before my Depression will overcome me?

I am NOT seeking romance

                               Romance in Redcliffe?

I didn't want to think a lady who "claims" to live in Redcliffe, Bristol was trying to scam me, but after TEN cancelled dates, I cannot deny my earlier thoughts. 

I was trying to combat the depression of losing my wife in January of 2025. I wonder how long it will be before I lose interest in everything?

I won't delete the eBay page

 My Depression is so bad

Devdas

I decided not to delete the DVDs on my eBay page.

Not because I think any will sell, but because my depression is so bad I can't get the energy to do anything these days.

I wish I was like the Devdas character, alas, I am denied the ability to drink alcohol by my body.

The New Age of Alan

The Great Depression

I should be grateful

How long will it be before my Depression will overcome me?

The emotional strain of knowing, SCAMMER, Pamela Olsted was easy to get over, we had not met, and I knew we wouldn't meet, long before I cut her from my life.

The financial damage however, is taking a great toll on my health, I have no money for food for two weeks of the month.

Her sister has said, she wishes to re-pay the money for helping out Pamela, I take that with a large dose of salt.

It didn't take long before the emotional scars healed over, and I moved on. I wasn't seeking another romance, after my wife passed away I decided I was too old for a lady to consider me. I was proven wrong, a lady living in Didcot, Oxfordshire, has taken to me.

Svitlana is five years older than me, and wishes to meet and form a friendship, we hope to change into a relationship.

Depression

Black Coffee 

No sex drive

This month, I came to a heart-wrenching time; I realise that I can no longer get aroused sexually - physically - at my age, 68 I should expect this, but it is still a worry for me.

I am going on a Black Coffee regime as I did once before, that time the reason was to keep my mond from wandering into the darker areas of my mind - I have many - this time the reason is so I don't get any dreams of attractive ladies.

I don't know if I will come out of this depression, or even if I think it is worth coming out knowing what lies ahead. My previous record was three dayswithout sleep, I hope to beat that.

Is this how it ends?

My eBay store is closing

                                              My Depression is so bad I don't care

Since my wife passed away in January, I have been suffering from depression, it has got to the point of not caring about anything these days.

I am so annoyed, with myself, for wasting time trying to sell DVDs on eBay, in the next month or two I am closing my page, and binning the DVD selection.

I had planned to renovate the garden over the summer, but I am so depressed I may throw most of the items out

Fighting the Dragon

 Clara - my love

Depression

Each day I have to fight a dragon, this dragon isn't a myth, or a fantasy. This dragon is real, and scares me, because I wonder how long can I keep fighting it?

This dragon comes in a bottle, dragon vodka. Each day, I fight depression after the loss of my wife in January, 2025. The fight is daily, a fight I fear losing, my rock is my friend, Clara, who lives in Whitchurch, Bristol.

Mission Impossible

The Year of Hell

Welcome to my Hell

I don't usually challenge next year to be worse than this year, until the year is over, this year I am setting the challenge in early September, why?

After losing my wife in January, and having to accept our eldest cat, Ninja, may not see the year out, I don't think the year CAN get worse, but I am prepared as my depression deepens.

How about these for opening lines?

OMG! Are you for real?

Comments from the USA

I've read the usual commnents from young ladies trying to impress me, and they are like "water off a duck's back." They try to think they are original, but I've read them so many times, I see the formula.

That changed in October, 2025.

Coming out of the depression of losing my wife of 38 years, in January, 2025, I changed from depressive Twitter posts, to slightly more optimistic options, with immediate effect. 

Two weeks before my birthday on the 18th, a lady from Gloucester, who is a history teacher from the USA, sent me a mesage saying "I want to suck your c@@k until you cum in my mouth, then drink you dry." To say I was shocked is putting it mildly, the lady had been watching me for weeks, but made no contact before then. Because of intermittent contact on Telegram, before my account was hacked, I never got to ask had she done it before, or was it only a phrase to get my attention?

Not long after that, another lady from the USA commented "I want to stick your c@@k in my breasts, and squeeze until you cum on them," I found out, she was genuine.

I am not imnune to flattery, from the right lady, but rather than going at it from the off, I prefer to build a relationship based on trust, as I am doing with my friend, Clara, in Redcliffe, Bristol.

Trying to find my groove again

  I am going to try to write again

Free short stories

I am going to attempt to enlarge on some of the short stories I have started.

I have many stories to extend, in many genres, hopefully these will pass the hours, and limit the time I can think of my late wife which I fear could lead to depression if I don't attempt a release.

I am hoping my Facebook ban has expired, if for no reason other than FB raised the blog readers.

Is it better to have loved and lost?

 What becomes of the broken-hearted?

R.I.P. Linda

I cannot recall who said it, but a writer wrote, "It is far better to have loved, and lost, than not to have loved at all."

For my part, I disagree, I had nearly 40 years of love, and happiness with my wonderful wife, Linda, who died in January 2025. Now, what is left?

I don't live, I exist, my life is now one of being here so my family has some stability. I am left feeling empty, lonely, and suffering from a growing sense of depression

I am losing the fight with the Dragon

 Fighting the Dragon

Romance in Whitchurch

For several weeks, I have been fighting a war against depression, the main reason I have not "hit the bottle," is the hope of seeing my friend, Clara, who lives in Whitchurch, not far from where I live in Hartcliffe, Bristol. As the weeks have passed, and I keep being given a reason she is unable to make our meetings, I am losing my battle to not start drinking the bottle of Vodka I have in the house

I should be grateful

 The New Age

Depression

Getting over the emotional damage from the months of knowing the SCAMMER, Pamela Olsted was easy, we never had any connection. I'd known for months before I ended our business dealing, that she didn't wish to have a relationship with me.

My decision not to try for another romance after I ended the connection, had nothing to with her, that was a choice I made when my wife passed away in January, 2025. I decided that at 68, no lady would be interested in me. I have been proven wrong, there is a beautiful lady in Didcot, Oxfordshire, who wishes to start a friendship with me, with the intentions of going further.

Svitlana is five years older than me, the peculiar thing is her birthday is a few days before that of my life wife.

The year of HELL

A Year to forget 

R.I.P. Linda

For several years, I have challenged the New Year, to be worse than this year; and each year has got worse. If 2025 is worse than 2024, I think I won't see the end of the year.

2024 started with bad news from the DWP, which cut our income by 1/3 for three months, that was followed by another cut from the Department of Works and Pensions, affecting only me.

 A month later is was taken ill by a virus, not Covid, which affected me for several weeks, then I visited hospital for a check-up, and caught a virus, this could have been Covid as I was already weak. I was in the same hospital, and at the same time, which Princess Anne was taken to after her injury.

We found out that we had been systemically robbed over a period of time, as we're disabled pensioners, by our neighbours. This lead to a bout of depression which we are still going through.

My ankle has been getting worse as I am unable to walk; a month ag, w had another family crisis which affected us gravely.

I think, if next year is worse than this year, I won't be able to cope.

I was so down, after my 15 year struggle to be recognised as a writer, I allowed myself to be a scam victim.

2025 began with the death of my wife in January, I am still suffering, though it is now September.

My misery is not over, as I think our eldest cat won't be with us for much longer, he is not eating, and spends a lot of his time sleeping. My only consolation, if you can call it that, is he is late middle-aged for a cat, as he is 15 years old, but his loss will hit me hard.

My LinkedIn Profile

 Here's Hoping for a Better Result

                                                               Me and LinkedIn

I won't ince my words, I have a LinkedIn profile, but I am not expecting a lot, why?

I had one some time ago, and I left the site as I found it hard to read about how people were enjoying their success when I was struggling with depression over not getting anywhere as a writer, after a 13-year struggle.

Things are a little different now, with the backing of an agent, I may see a book in print in time for Christmas.

What is the connection?

 Twitter Insults

For the fourth time in a month, I was insulted online last night. Twice on Facebook, and twice on Twitter, people have jumped to a conclusion about me, with no knowledge of my life, and habits.

How was I insulted?

I told people I had been ill for days, and the next question is are you on drugs?

NO!

It is possible to be ill, and not be a drug taker.

This time I was ill because I had a severe headache from banging my head, plus depression.

Am I going mad?

 R.I.P. Linda

I am losing what is left of my sanity

Since my lovely wife passed away, I have had trouble recalling the days, mostly because most days are the same, also my depression deepens as the days pass. I may not cry as much, but the heartbreak never goes.

Today is Sunday, October 5th, all day I have thought it was a Monday

I want to forget Christmas

Christmas 2024 

                                                              Christmas 2025

Christmas 2024 was the last my wife enjoyed, despite being in severe pain, she did her best to leave us with happy memories of her passing.

Christmas 2025 is very different for me, the depression I had for most of the year has returned with a vengeance, which makes me wish I could hibernate, and not come out.

As for my "friend" in Redcliffe, Bristol, who keeps avoiding meeting me, as I see it our relationship, if we had one is on its knees, and unless she makes a huge effort soon, it will be over.

I got blocked on Twitter

 The Irony is lovely

Money isn't everything

I had to laugh a while ago, the latest person to think I was a drug taker because I said I'd been ill for a week, blocked me on Twitter 😄😄

She'd been pressing me to do a promo video for one of my books, I kept saying I wasn't interested, not only because I couldn't afford it, but because I have lost my passion for writing after struggling for 15 years.

She wouldn't take no for an answer. Last night we parted with her saying she thought I was a junkie as I'd been ill for a week, it had nothing to do with drugs; it was related to depression.

She opened today, by saying she wasn't after my money. After agreeing to chat as friends, I said I would give her the opportunity to tell me how, and why, she made the jump from me being ill to being a drug user before I took the option of either letting the matter rest, or blocking her. At this point, she flew into a rage, and began profuse language, then blocked me, not that I am worried.